


Elizabeth

by 8hephaestion8



Series: Perspectives [1]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 12:26:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14568990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8hephaestion8/pseuds/8hephaestion8
Summary: This is a work of fiction.  I don't know these people.I wanted to look at some of the ideas that may have floated in Elizabeth's head during the past two years.





	Elizabeth

Home  
I saw it when he came home. His eyes slid from mine when I asked him about the last days of filming. ‘So did Luca forgive you?” He looked up and into my eyes, I could see a question.

  
“What do you mean?”

”I know how important Luca is to you. You told me that Luca had understood you in a way no other Director had. And I know that you care what he thinks, nothing else. Have you brought in all your cases? Bernita will do the laundry, she has already done this week’s load.” I thought it best to change the subject, he is complex, hard to come to trust, easy to come to laughter, easy manners which come from a comfortable life. When we met I liked him immediately, I saw how others looked at him, admiring, with sexual intent and pure love of his friendship, I also saw how he seemed to shy away from intimacy, he tested me, we were friends first, I got him, I didn’t judge and I thought he got me.

It was only when he left the room that I realised that I had not said “I missed you”.

 

Crema  
These things pass, marriage is those who can look into the future and realise that it is for the long haul, periods of drought and periods of abundance. The absence of someone covers many aspects of a relationship: sex, physical presence, the other voice, a glint in the eye, the affection for children, and recognition of the things that keep you together. I am used to him and used to being with him. So it hurts when his attention is split. He tries, but I heard it before I saw it. I ask, “How did you spend today”, a breath, hesitancy, recovery, outpouring.

“Well, a late start, we had breakfast on Via Enrico Martini. Luca got Tim and I together with the crew – we went to the local café, Stati Uniti, the one just around the corner from the villa, remember I mentioned it before.”

I noted that he said Tim, this was the first time.

“I love this lifestyle, we had Cornetti and Expresso, European coffee is so different from American, perhaps we should get one of those Expresso machines, you know we can get the coffee from Blue Bottle – it was full of Italians, always a good sign, all drama and inviting. Timmy is so funny, he wouldn’t drink the Expresso and insisted on a French style cup, you know half milk and half coffee in a bowl.” He laughed. “Like a child, said it reminded him of his childhood holidays in France. Did I tell you he is half-French? Speaks it fluently, I think Luca is going to make him speak English, French and Italian. Amira is half French too.” A pause. “I never thought I would end up on a film in Italy surrounded by Europhiles. How is Hops?” He listened dutifully to my answer, then went on.

“We had our first rehearsal, just one scene, the one where we go into the countryside to Elio’s riverbank. It was interesting, especially as Luca does not like rehearsals”. I remembered, perhaps he had forgotten that we had gone through the script together. “So that was the icebreaker, huh?” I felt his mistake, a gentle sound before he answered. “Yeah”. He said nothing else, I knew it for a mistake. Some other things were said, I don’t remember what, he closed the call with a cheery, “speak later honey – kiss Hops for me”.

I wondered if I should fly out, it was a long flight and I felt tired, the first trimester can be difficult. I’d taken the test but I hadn’t told him yet, I don’t know why. I’d speak with Nicki, he was out there anyway – and Luca ran a closed set, so if I couldn’t get near then I’d do a bit of sightseeing. I hadn’t been to Italy.

 

Home  
He went upstairs, music followed him, it burst out from the bedroom speakers, as he was getting ready to take a shower. “Hey, thanks for the coke”, I always kept cold full fat coke in the fridge for him. I held out the glass and sat on the bed, “Who is this?”, “Kid Cudi, I am staying down with the kids”, he laughed sheepishly, “Timmy is introducing me to this new type of Hip-Hop. There’s this new cool vibey type of Rap, I think you’ll like it better than Kanye or the other stuff I have been listening to”.

“I don’t think so”, I turned my head and got up and went back downstairs. The music had been turned up.

The rest of the week passed in the blaze of ordinary life, but he didn’t settle into the routine I had set up for him. It was like a fire had been lit and it smouldered with no help from me, I couldn’t get underneath to find out how it had caught. He was present but ghosting, he participated in family life, but he was perfunctory in attention. In the end, he noticed that I wasn’t drinking and asked if I was pregnant, he hadn’t fucked me since his return and two weeks had already passed. When I said “Yes”, he didn’t look surprised, it hurt that a resigned look floated across his eyes, before some semblance of happiness brightened his face, he was an actor, he faked it.

“Palm Springs?” He looked taken aback, and nodded at the same time – that was where Ford was conceived, we were happy then, or at least I thought so.

 

Crema  
I felt like I had caught him handing out condoms to sixteen year olds. Timmy was friendly, Luca professional, saying nothing, my companion, all Italian charm. I felt like an outsider. Mummy come to visit a nearly grown son at High School, everywhere everyone threw up protective answers to questions. “So how do you spend your evenings, must be difficult there are no English speakers or outlets, God you must get bored, they are all locals”.

“It’s OK actually, we are on European hours here, so we finish around six, have a look at the dailies, Luca might invite us round for dinner, we watch films for references, look at lines for the next day – no time to get bored”. I noted the ‘us’, the ‘we’ it was not specific. But I didn’t stay long nor could I get a room near where Armie and Timmy were staying – we were there for a couple of days and moved on. I decided then that I had to come back for the end of filming.

It was in June that he told me.

 

Home  
I thought it would pass. I held my counsel. I told myself filming was over, all would be back to our usual. We were promised the complete perfect family now. It was a small film, there would be very little promotion. Timmy came to stay.

  
I didn’t notice how they seemed to gravitate towards each other. Rooms hummed when they were together, the buzz was palpable, I was oblivious.  
I didn’t notice how his eyes followed Timmy. I didn’t see how Armie glowed when Timmy spoke of and praised him. They were like two boys in hero worship of each other, they were as one.

In June he had told me that they were brothers, close, intimate, they understood each other, finished each other’s sentences, he could tell him things that he could not express with others – even me. A once in a lifetime friendship.

He told me that I would like him. I did like Timmy but I didn’t believe Armie’s words, I remained sceptical, he was a kid.

It was when he said: “He gets me” - these words stung, he had once used them for me, was he replacing me? I told myself not to be stupid.

Sundance came and went, Timmy came on holiday with us, his demeanour like that of the deep sea around us, resolute, certain, the promise of unseen currents ready to sweep all away, absolute determination. The film gained momentum. Baby fog dissolved into managing our lives: looking after two children, running the household, taking back the reins at Bird, fittings, treatments, and opportunities to support my husband. I took what I could get. I gave him space, I didn’t chase him, I let him be.

Summer also went past and the Autumnal promotional season started. Normal life, our anchor, was gone. I really wanted the best for Armie – a fruitful career, a family to replace the one he struggled with, peace of mind. It was swept away at the first sign of the film’s success. I had forgotten to ask him what he wanted, used my template and it was too bright and shiny,

He asked if I really wanted to travel, I took this at face value – I enjoyed the trappings of celebrity; I am not a hypocrite, I had given up my career to be his wife and mother of his children – I was due this, I wanted to be by his side, promo was meant to be fun, we were not meant to be alone we always had company, on tour Timmy and Luca of course, Nicky came to in-town events, Evelyn became a good friend. Ford was not yet one.

“I could leave Ford at home. Do you mind if we don’t bring the children?” He looked at me, an even steady stare – and asked again if I really wanted to travel. He never said it would be better if the children had a parent at home, he just looked at me. He never said don’t do it to anything I proposed – he always supported my desire to be independent, he allowed me the same freedoms as he allowed himself. I was never denied. Except I had all the responsibilities, he travelled through life freely only held back by his work commitments.

I wanted him to be happy, I let him be. He was changing, I was wilful, I thought our life was ultimately unchangeable, fixed, settled, all good.

 

Autumn  
They went to London, I had to accept it had become ‘they’. I watched their interviews, I could see how their behaviour could be mis-interpreted, they looked like a couple, they looked like how love looks in a once in a lifetime relationship, the language changed, I found myself agreeing, it was no longer a friendship it was a relationship. What had changed? I didn’t know, I couldn’t see, I was too close. I tried talking with him.

“I miss you”  
“I miss you too, how are the children?”

Perfunctory, skipping straight over me. Sounds in the background, distraction, his breathing getting louder as he brought the phone closer. Cold, cold water ran over my heart – I had not seen, I felt and I heard, my ears had not reached out to protect my heart. I hadn’t realised my eyes had been taking it all in, pictures in front of me, reality far back in my head, and still I did not take the situation seriously.

Why should I? I didn’t realise it was like a neon draughtboard, parts of our lives, brightly lit, were sitting on the wrong parts of the board, you have to start right or get fucked up. First I tried to explain to myself, later to others. ‘I miss you’ had become mere words, crass and empty, anyone could use them, words which passed time until the next rendezvous, I hadn’t noticed.

 

Crema  
I regained ground, I didn’t care, I took up my rights as his wife and I went to Crema - It was a mistake. Europe opened my eyes. I was Hollywood, he was Paris. I looked up at him and saw this old soul in tune with his surroundings and the person he loved. I was brash, new, American. Like him I was trying to fly free – but we was going in different directions. When we had met he looked unformed I thought our many years of constant testing – a marriage, gave me special rights, rights which allowed me to draw all his boundaries, so as to fit the space I had made for him in our life.

What I had not grasped was that he had always been ready to fly, he woke and finally understood that he did not need my guidance on how to live his life. Luca opened the door he had shown him many years before, and he had walked through it.

Timmy was nominated, Armie wasn’t – I had to stand back when he was inconsolable, he wanted Tim and he did not hide it. Now everyone knew. I had lost him for a second time in Italy.

 

Spring  
He looks soft, undone and in love, now I understood, I saw; too late my heart heard “You shouldn’t look at him that way”, I did not speak, and so his life passed beyond my shore and onto another direction.


End file.
